Cosmopolitan
by fieldagent85
Summary: When Abbey finds a copy of Cosmopolitan magazine, she finds that her husband is nearly as captivated by it as she is. Post ep for The U.S. Poet Laureate


The articles mentioned in this story can be found through the following links:

http/love.

http/msn.

Jed Bartlet hadn't had the best of days. As usual, there was more going on in the world, specifically in his country, than he felt equipped to handle. When he strolled into the Residence sometime after eleven o'clock, he erased all that unpleasantness from his mind, at least until morning. By the time he entered his bedroom, he had almost completely extricated the events of the day from his brain and started to focus on more pertinent things, like sleep and whatever else the night may bring.

As expected, he found his wife lying in bed, on his side no less, when he walked in.

"Hey," she greeted him, barely looking up from her magazine.

"Hey," he returned, on his way to the bathroom.

She glanced up from the magazine as he walked past her.

"A .22 caliber mind in a .357 magnum world?" Abbey called out.

"Yeah," Jed replied from inside the bathroom. "Pretty oldschool, huh?"

"Define oldschool, hot shot."

"Uh…"

"That's what I thought."

She heard the water in the shower running and momentarily considered joining him, but one look at the article awaiting her attention and she decided against it. Twenty minutes later, he emerged from the bathroom in his pajamas. Too bad wet hair didn't turn her on as much as it did him or she'd have jumped him by then. She slid over to her side of the bed so that he could crawl into his normal space beside her. He leaned over and took a peek at the cover of her magazine, his eyes widening shortly thereafter.

"How the hell did you rustle up Cosmopolitan?"

"I snatched it off Donna's desk."

"I always knew you inherited some of those pirate genes."

"Privateer," Abbey replied automatically. She'd been accused of this many a time over the years. "Ooh, would you look at this? '10 Reasons Why You Might Be Better Off single.' That sounds intriguing, don't you think?"

"I think it's a little too late for you to find out, kid."

Abbey smirked.

"It's never too late. Okay. Let's see. Reason number one. 'You'll have a better body.' Hmm."

Jed frowned.

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why would being single automatically mean you'd have a better body?" He questioned.

"Let's find it." She turned back to the magazine. "'You get into a relationship, and suddenly you're trying out new recipes all the time and cuddling instead of exercising. Well, things tend to get worse with marriage. A recent Cornell University study found that women generally gain five to eight pounds in the first few years of marriage and unhappily married women gain an average of 54 pounds in the first 10 years.'"

"That's bull."

Abbey had to bite her lip to keep from laughing.

"Oh, look at this one," She chuckled. "'You're more likely to achieve great things. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you have the time, the quiet and the lack of familial responsibilities. In fact, your premarital motivation to excel in life may be biologically programmed.'"

"I don't believe a word of that," Jed stated resolutely.

"Really? This might change your mind. 'According to a study conducted at the London School of Economics and Political Scientists, male scientists who stay single longer peak in their careers later in life and tend to be more productive than their married counterparts.'"

"Well, if it came from LSE, it must be right."

"So I thought."

"What else is there?"

A sly smile spread across her face as she turned to look at him.

"What?" He asked innocently.

She shook her head and turned back to the article.

"Reason number three, you do less housework. I know that's true."

"Abbey, we've got about ten thousand maids. What do you want from me?"

"Reason number four, you can do what you want with your money-including keep it. Well, I'll admit, it might have been nice to go on a little shopping spree now and then with my half a mil a year."

Jed groaned.

"Keep going."

"Oh, this is a good one. Reason number five, you have better sex."

"I beg your pardon!" Jed exclaimed, reaching for the magazine. "Let me see that."

She pulled it out of his grasp just in time and continued reading the blurb.

"'Married couples may have more sex (approximately 98 times a year vs. singles' 49), but singles have better sex. According to a recent study published in the British Medical Journal, married women are significantly more likely to report problems with their sex lives than single women. "People who are dating have better sex because it's novel," says Davis. "Married people have to relearn how to play. It's natural for singles because that's the nature of a courting relationship—they tease, they experiment, they explore."'

"We explore!" Jed insisted defensively. "We tease, we experiment."

"Oh, we do not. 'According to researchers at the University of Pisa in Italy, raging testosterone levels in both men and women makes the sex hotter during the first two years of a relationship. After that, other hormones take over—most notably, oxytocin, a bonding chemical, kicks in. While getting connected and comfortable is a positive step in a relationship, long-term lovers have to work harder to keep things hot in the bedroom. Singles, however, sizzle just the way they are.'"

"Are you implying that we no longer sizzle?"

"I am implying no such thing," Abbey answered. "I'm simply reciting the facts, which speak plainly for themselves."

"We sizzle."

Abbey's hand involuntarily rose to cover her mouth as she burst into a fit of giggles.

"What are you laughing at?"

"Nothing, I just don't understand why you're getting so defensive."

"Because I don't like the things I'm being accused of."

"Let me ask you something. If I didn't think we 'sizzled,' do you really think our sex life would be as active as it is?"

He pouted.

"No."

"All right then, quit your complaining."

"What's the next one?" Jed questioned, scooting closer to her in an effort to get a better look at the magazine.

"Reason number six, you're better rested and smarter. I don't know about well-rested, but I think we're pretty sharp, don't you?"

"Without question."

"Okay, reason number seven, you have better friendships. What friendships?"

"I think that's the point."

"Right."

"Reason number eight, you're less depressed." Abbey glanced over at her husband quickly then back to the article. "Reason number nine…"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. What was that?"

"What was what?"

"No commentary on reason number eight."

"I just think reason number nine is more interesting."

He grabbed the magazine and squinted down at the article.

"Reason number nine, your travel tales are enviable. That's more interesting?"

She snatched the magazine back from him.

"'Marrieds take the most vacations, dominating the market with 62 percent of all trips taken, but singles arguably go on more interesting trips.'"

"I think Egypt was pretty damn interesting," Jed replied. "And how about that time we had breakfast with the Queen, lunch with Bono, and dinner with the Pope in all one day?"

"You can't beat that lunch with Bono," Abbey agreed. "Reason number ten, you know yourself- and what you want out of a relationship."

"I've been married almost thirty-five years and I think I'm pretty tune with myself."

Abbey raised an eyebrow at him.

"And you definitely know what you want out of a relationship."

"You know it, Sweet Knees."

He moved closer to her and tried to pull the magazine out of her hands once more, but she resisted.

"Hang on, there's another article I wanted to check out."

"Can't it wait?" Jed pleaded.

"I think you'll like this one."

He sighed in concession.

"What is it?"

"Ten Things That Make Men Happy in Relationships."

Jed scoffed.

"This oughtta be good."

"It was written by a man, so it must be." She rolled her eyes. Number ten, charm."

"Charm?"

"Charm. 'Charm is what draws men to those women who are not as good-looking as the others in our black book. Charm is what pulls us back to women even after they burn us. Charm is the one thing that lets women get away with murder. If a woman can make you smile, then she has the charm to get out of any situation and will prove to become quite an ally.'"

"Well, that's clearly worked for you a number of times."

Abbey grinned.

"I won't deny it. Nine, a statuesque body. Wow, that's a new one. 'We may not admit this to them, but when we're walking down the street with our women, we want to show them off. Show off what? Their crazy curves and full figure.' Is this true?"

"Well…"

"Well, that's just a tad misogynistic, if you ask me."

"Fortunately, no one did."

She glared at him in a way that sent chills down his spine.

"The couch is over there."

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry. What's the next one?"

"Eight, a beautiful face. That's a given. Seven, honesty and trust. Finally, something honorable."

"Why do you think I married you?"

"I thought it was my statuesque body and my beautiful face."

"I won't deny that those are definitely a few of the perks."

"A few of the many perks."

"Absolutely."

"Uh-uh," Abbey mumbled. "Six, R-E-S-P-E-C-T."

"Quote unquote?"

"Quote unquote. 'The last thing we want is a woman who lets us down, embarrasses us and makes us out to be fools, especially in public. Gentlemen, there is nothing wrong with admitting that we are excessively proud and sensitive to criticism, but if done right, constructive criticism from the one person who knows us best can only make us better men, fathers, lovers, brothers and human beings.' Fascinating."

"Lord knows you're no stranger to dishing out the criticism."

Abbey fluttered her eyelashes flirtatiously.

"Sweetheart, I'm only trying to respect you."

"Yeah, yeah, read the next one."

"Five, a sense of humor. Well, you certainly got that in me."

"I did?"

"Watch it, Jethro."

"Yeah, you really convinced me about the sense of humor thing just then," Jed chuckled.

"Four, intelligence and confidence."

"There we go. I certainly got that in you."

"Good answer. Three, ambition and drive."

"Once again…"

"Two, a heart of gold."

"Yeah, not so sure about that."

Pursing her lips to keep from laughing, Abbey rolled up the magazine and whacked her husband on the shoulder.

"Awe, where's that sense of humor I've been hearing so much about?" Jed complained.

"It went AWOL along with my heart of gold. Do you want to hear number one or not?"

"I do."

"Number one, love. Oh, isn't that just delightfully tacky?"

"You're just impossible to please."

"'When all is said and done and the ink has dried up, the first dates turn into the honeymoon stage, and the relationship develops, all men really want is love.'"

"They really nailed that one on the head."

"Did they now?" Abbey replied skeptically.

"Absolutely."

With one arm around her waist, he pulled her in closer to him.

"Wait a minute now, don't you want to learn the Ten Commandments for a Happy Marriage?"

He shook his head.

"Don't you want to find out whether or not the divorce-proof marriage exists?"

He shook his head again and gently brushed the hair out of her face.

"I think the proof is right here in the room."

She smiled warmly and reached up and caress his cheek.

"So you think we should save that for next time then, huh?"

"Oh, yeah."

THE END. 


End file.
